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As the season draws to a close, Formula Oats looks back at the highlights of the year, from the escapades of Bernie the rich man to the duel between Sir Lewis and Sir Nico, offering a fresh take on the action. Any resemblance to reality is, of course, purely coincidental.
The 1214 racing season has become a battleground where ambition, betrayal, and theatrical excess clash, as a parade of aristocrats and newcomers compete on the circuits, from Luthus to Hungary.
It all began in early February, when Pastor le Fol, a flamboyant character who had already made a name for himself in the domain of Luthus belonging to the Count of Moncet, arrived at the court of the Marquis of Enstone to discover a glaring absence of gold. This void prompted the wealthy pastor to sign a lucrative contract, while Roland Boulet, lured by the promise of riches from Mate la Reine, set out in search of glory, commissioning two sumptuous carriages, one of which now bears the name Pastor le Fol.
March 26 marked the arrival of a newcomer from the southern colonies: Ragnar Kevin, a novice squire under the patronage of Mate la Reine, announced his debut in Australia by proclaiming his ancestry loud and clear: “I am a Magnussen, and my father is proud of it.”
A few weeks later, on April 2, Sir Lewis made a sensational entrance at the Grand Parade in Malaysia, calling his rivals “a pile of ruins” and asserting his dominance with a speed that left his competitors “crushed, powerless in the face of his omnipotence.”
The drama intensified on April 9 in Bahrain, where Sir Lewis and Sir Nico engaged in what the Count of Moncet later described as “a Homeric struggle, a battle of titans, a classic.” The competition, though initially uneventful, turned into a “fantastic final battle” that will be remembered as the decisive clash of the season.
Meanwhile, Pastor le Fol's aggressive tactics forced Esteban Pepito off the track, prompting the latter to describe his experience as “a vision of flight, a divine chariot, a dream beyond the ground.” Le Fol, unrepentant, retorted that his reputation as “the greatest of buffoons” inevitably reduced everything to ashes.
The internal turmoil was not limited to the drivers. On April 17, Ferrari's Calimity Domenicali lamented his precarious position, exclaiming, “O rage! O despair! O enemy V6!” as he faced the prospect of dismissal and a successor ready to claim his throne.
Two weeks later, Sire Ericsson composed a funeral hymn for the “Children of the Catastrophe,” denouncing the FIA's blue flag directives and the relentless pressure from the stewards that forced teams to find themselves “at the back of the pack.”
May 14 was a source of disappointment for Roland de Boullier, who confessed that his marriage to “a beautiful champion” had turned out to be a union with “a fat… nun,” a thinly veiled criticism of Mate la Reine's management.
On June 4, the Marquis Futile de Sans-Bière was confronted with a personal “weight problem,” opting for ascetic penance and refusing feasts, only to find comfort in the arms of a mysterious lady who, according to him, understood his difficult situation.
On June 25, Sir Godefroy de Taffin begged his lord to preserve the “glowing buffalo” at Taïaut, warning that neglect would lead the team to despair and make it vulnerable to rival “gigolos” and the closed doors of Mate l'Abbesse.
The season's narrative took a fabulous turn on July 16, when the Count of Moncet recounted the story of Caterham's misery and the reluctant help of Bernie the thief, illustrating the financial precariousness that forces small teams to barter “oats” to survive.
July 30 was marked by a rare moment of pure sport: Daniel the Affable won Hungary's finest victory on a short, slow circuit, turning overtaking into a “miracle” and offering a “four-way waltz” that captivated spectators.
The climax came on August 27 in Belgium, where Nico-Ten-Languages closed the gap on Sir Lewis, sparking what the Count of Moncet called a “civil war” on the track. Daniel the Affable took advantage of the chaos, capitalizing on the rivalry to claim a decisive victory.
Across continents and courts, the 1214 season unfolded less as a series of races and more as a saga of power, ego, and survival, with each date constituting a chapter in a story where aristocratic ambition meets the roar of engines.
Damn it! Where is the man who, while diving into the Combes, was simultaneously digging the grave of our friendship? Where is NICO-TEN-LANGUAGES, the former confidant who now seems to be a son of the serpent? NICO-TEN-LANGUAGES, I am not running away, Lewis, on the contrary, I am rising.
You thought I was your ally? We are now adversaries, enemies on the podium, fighting for the Grail. And you're surprised that I'm no longer your vassal? DANIEL THE AFFABLE says: “Children, joust without restraint! Fight relentlessly, play well and bravely!” Meanwhile, Daniel, emerging from Blanchimont, makes you look like braggarts. September 3, 1214: Emperor Sebastian has lost his crown… THE COUNT OF MONCET — the man who, forgetting recent history and blinded by innocent curiosity, would find it hard to believe that a year ago, Sebastian still reigned. October 15, 1214: In Russia, Sir Lewis splashes Nico-Ten-Languages with his class SIR LEWIS I feel more comfortable than all my competitors. A “Merci l'Abbesse” loaded with white bread, leeks, eggplants, turnips, and a meager pittance, driven by a young page without a super license, would be even more alive than my poor Nico. He is a chrysalis, the stupidest of all, who makes more mistakes than a pastor illuminated by the moon. He is a despised heir to fortune, but, like a lout mistreating his plow, he always seeks revenge on a bad feudal lord. He is a sulky blond without trophies, a mixture of missed parades, where only outcasts and tense Boches breathe the scent of inevitable failure. … and let Merci l'Abbesse triumph over Red Glowing Buffalo!
THE STRATEGIST WOLF — you are no longer the wavering duckling, simply a champion dethroned by the brilliant Prussia, a sleepy but once belligerent second, lamenting the abandonment of a capricious Vettel, repudiated by Newey, whose fierce hope now rests on Daniel as a last resort. November 19, 1214: Bernie the Enriched summed up the situation in four alexandrines THE COUNT OF MONCET — if the sky were to collapse, taking his friends with it, if a hundred rupees could save them, he would rather die rich than live honorably without a golden calf fetish. November 26, 1214: Sir Lewis is crowned Formula Oats champion! SIR LEWIS This fraternal struggle, sometimes Homeric, is not the justice you think you deserve, O Nico, O twin of prisms—you have lost, you lie crippled, you are defeated! NICO-TEN-TONGUES Yet I believe this is only one round. I lose a battle, not the war. Next year, there will be a rematch: I will not remain your vicar forever. SIR LEWIS
My vicar! Go ahead! Yet you speak the truth, O faithful one! Soon you will be a servant, a good-for-nothing, a defeated man, a braggart, a slob, a vassal, a varron, a vulture… even a venereal. Formule Avoine will see you again very soon for the season's reviews… in Alexandrian verse, of course!
